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As a happily married man for 1 year (coming up on 4/26/09) my wife and I sometimes talk about how relieved we are that we no longer have to deal with "the dating game". No longer is there to wonder about when that special person will call and ask us out to dinner or the other way around or if someone wants to make time for us. We don't have to juggle dates and be worried about pleasing all of them: Terry on Monday evening, Jenny on Wednesday lunch, Sharon on Friday, etc or wonder how many more of these it will take to find "the one". We don't have to go out then wonder, "Hey what's it like to go home to the same person every night?"There is a sort of peaceful tranquility and security to know that one person has your best interests at heart, and you have theirs. One person knows everything about you and you can chill at home without saying anything yet communicate everything richly, or if you do talk there's no danger of running out of interesting things to say. It's simply the state of "BE-ING". Both of us still hang out with some of our single friends as well and from time to time they ask us advice on dating & relationships, I guess because we seem happy with each other and have a successful loving marriage. From conversations with those friends, both men & women, I have gleaned the following bits of advice that should be especially helpful to guys, especially to those who think you're the greatest that ever done it!
Rule #1: (This is the most important rule guys, and the one most often violated; so pay attention b/c every guy thinks they are special or original in this category). Do not waste your time trying to come up with clever pick up lines. There is likely nothing you could say that a woman has not already heard, especially if she's an attractive, well-put together woman. "Baby, I can drink your bathwater" or "Hey Shorty, how old you is." is not something that grown men should say to anyone except a hoodrat who doesn't know any better.
Furthermore, a woman already has an idea of what category you're in when she first meets you, and not much you say is going to change that--Category 1: He's a loser, he'll get a fake (555-1212) number or the brush-off or no responses to his texts. Category 2: I'll give him my number and let him take me to dinner, but that's it. Category 3: I like this guy and he's datable, or at least I have no problem being seen in public with him. Category 4: This guy is "friend" material. I'll keep him around just in case, especially if he's smart, successful, well-connected, etc. Hey there could be more categories, but I'm just going by a guy's observations. A simple, "How are you? I'd like to get your number," or a simple understated compliment often works just fine.
Rule #2: On Communicating with Women/Online Dating: Meeting a woman for the first time and then Myspacing/Facebooking her and bombarding her with texts, calls, Myspace/Facebook comments, etc. without first asking her permission is not cool & she WILL talk about you to her girlfriends, which further alerts them that you're not cool either. So now you haven't just lost one desirable woman, you've lost a whole bunch of them in one shot. To you, it may be a cool way to get in touch & show her you're serious, but to her, it makes you look desperate. Instead, make a contact, and WAIT! I know it's hard, but WAIT. If she is interested, they will reply (this goes for guys & girls) but you're likely to get a "0" on your score card if you IM her every time she pops up active and online.
Rule #3: A smile is not necessarily a come-on, so get over yourself. Take it for what it is. If you want to approach then go ahead, but often a smile is just a friendly hello and is done as a polite greeting. It's like a drive by--it could happen to anyone.
Rule #4: Myspace & Facebook profile pictures may not be accurate representations of a person's physical appearance. Not everyone you meet online looks like Halle Berry (before OR after twins), or Idris Elba or Kobe (for you ladies) so don't try to make a hookup on the basis of online pictures alone. What you see is what the other person WANTS you to see.
Rule #5: Be wary of men or women who want to see what kind of phone you have or what kind of car you drive before showing their interest. Men and women who show a materialistic bent may well be gold-diggers, and when the next guy comes along with a bigger SUV or the next girl comes with nicer measurements, you'll be left holding the ice cream cone, and sometimes the bill.
Rule #6: Make sure before you ask anyone out, that both of you have something to bring to the relationship--whether a good job/career, ownership of real estate, education, or nice teeth, etc. An uneven relationship is one where one person, male or female is giving all the time and not getting anything of equal or greater value in return. That is not only robbery, it's abuse, and a smart person will call you out.
Rule #7: This is the rule that will save your life. Be yourself! People like originals. When I was on the dating scene I didn't need to drive a Benz, sport a BlackBerry, or try to speak with an exotic foreign accent even though I'm Haitian, or pretend like I was some big baller. Sometimes it's good to just be the real you. Don't expect meaningful relationships when you start off those relationships on exaggerations, distortions, or half-truths. It gets old after a while when a guy rolls up and to impress you starts talking loudly on the phone about how he was out with P. Diddy last week, just closed on his 5000 sq ft house, is going to that concert in VIP, bla bla bla.
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Cross-posted on Facebook on April 23, 1:08pm.
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