7 Tips to Winning the Man of Your Dreams OR How Not to Be THAT Woman Guys Talk About (Part 1)

Last week I wrote a post, "Dating Tips for Men OR How Not to Be a Playa & Make a Fool of Yourself (Part 1)" which explored the 7 most common mis-steps that men make every day on the dating scene and which women discuss among themselves, often without our knowledge. I received so much good feedback from both men & women readers that I thought I would also make a post just for the women. After all, in the spirit of fairness both men AND women do things in the dating game that we can look at and say, "What was s/he thinking?" OR "Did s/he really think that saying and doing the same crazy things would produce a different result?" So I present Part 1 which was greatly contributed to by my wife, Shirre as well as feedback from other women friends.

Rule #1: The most important rule for women is [drumroll please]: Leave past relationships in the past! I need to repeat that, so here it is again. Leave past relationships in the past! Don't try to make us measure up to the last wonderful man in your life. After all if he was so awesome you'd still be together, right? And don't try to make us out to be the same guy as losers you have formerly been associated with. As Kat Williams says, to paraphrase (because this is a family-friendly post): If you're still walking around talking about how [guys] aren't any good, [Maybe you should] take some responsibility...and find out what it is about yourself that attracts no good men.

Rule #2: Sometimes a smile is just a smile (see there are some rules that apply to both ladies and men!) Take it as an unspoken compliment. Not every guy who smiles at you is trying to get in your pants! Some people are genuinely friendly and outgoing.

Rule #3: Make sure you have something to offer a relationship. Don't just sit back and wait for the man to do everything (provide) for you. If you want a man who is tall, has an MBA, a solid career, real-estate property, loves God, is good with children, etc. then ask yourself, if the shoe were on his foot, would he see you as desirable beyond your beauty?

Rule #4: Your education, personality & character may not say "ho" or "freak", but if that's what your clothes say every time we see you out, then that's exactly how we as men will identify you. OK ladies, you may not think that's fair, but you need to understand a basic but unspoken rule about us: men are turned on by what we see; we stop at that level and aren't going to try to explore your intellectual side. Conversely, women are much deeper creatures, and ladies are turned on by touch and physical stimulation. It's ok to have a sexy outfit that flatters your form every now and then when appropriate, but vary your wardrobe and have some nice business casual wear or "church clothes" too; the men in your life will respect you a little more.

Rule #5: Make a mental or written note of the desired characteristics of the man that you would like in your life. These characteristics become your standards. For example if your list says: MUST-- be tall, have an MBA, a solid career, real-estate property, love God, be good with children, be faithful, etc. then you should actively seek out men who fit that description. When you meet a man, find out how many of these characteristics he possesses. If you can pick out most of those characteristics "from a lineup", and he is willing to work on others you deem lower priority, then you've got your man. If the answers are NO, then keep walking because ladies, no matter how much you love us, you will NEVER make a man or "train" him to be something that he's not!

Rule #6: Every woman who is single IS on the market! I know that comes as a shock to many of you ladies, but it's reality. Every woman has a price! Let's be real, many of you ladies who are single are frustrated because of the lack of quality, desirable men who are single AND available [to you], i.e., not married, gay, or just no good. Your frustration is entirely understandable. However, the reality is that IF that guy who is perfect for you came along, you [hope you] would know it, and you would then be available. That is a fact. Now if you have unreasonable expectations (See #5), then your standards will be too high, and no man wants to measure up to ridiculous demands, and that can be a source of frustration as well.

Rule #7: Be on your best behavior on your first date. Treat it like a fun interview. Remember you should be yourself, but your first date is the best a man will ever see of you, until your wedding day (if you both make it that far). This is not the time to show out. Realize that dating can be very stressful for men because it is we who must convince you (the desire of our affection) that we are worth making part of your life.

I can remember during my bachelor days when I asked out a gorgeous young lady to one of Tampa's finest restaurants which I am known to frequent. She spent most of the evening unsatisfied with the waitress, talking about how bad the food was; we changed seating arrangements, and she was still unsatisfied. Then the food came & she was still unsatisfied with that too. Needless to say, I never asked her out again. My thinking was..."I paid good money for us to have a good time. No, young lady you don't owe me anything, and I'm not requiring any favors from you, BUT if you aren't satisfied with minor things then how are you going to be satisfied with bigger things?" I simply didn't need the drama (and neither will the man you're trying to win).

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Cross-posted on Facebook on April 30, 9:59pm.

Dating Tips for Men OR How Not to Be a Playa & Make a Fool of Yourself (Part 1)

As a happily married man for 1 year (coming up on 4/26/09) my wife and I sometimes talk about how relieved we are that we no longer have to deal with "the dating game". No longer is there to wonder about when that special person will call and ask us out to dinner or the other way around or if someone wants to make time for us. We don't have to juggle dates and be worried about pleasing all of them: Terry on Monday evening, Jenny on Wednesday lunch, Sharon on Friday, etc or wonder how many more of these it will take to find "the one". We don't have to go out then wonder, "Hey what's it like to go home to the same person every night?"

There is a sort of peaceful tranquility and security to know that one person has your best interests at heart, and you have theirs. One person knows everything about you and you can chill at home without saying anything yet communicate everything richly, or if you do talk there's no danger of running out of interesting things to say. It's simply the state of "BE-ING". Both of us still hang out with some of our single friends as well and from time to time they ask us advice on dating & relationships, I guess because we seem happy with each other and have a successful loving marriage. From conversations with those friends, both men & women, I have gleaned the following bits of advice that should be especially helpful to guys, especially to those who think you're the greatest that ever done it!

Rule #1: (This is the most important rule guys, and the one most often violated; so pay attention b/c every guy thinks they are special or original in this category). Do not waste your time trying to come up with clever pick up lines. There is likely nothing you could say that a woman has not already heard, especially if she's an attractive, well-put together woman. "Baby, I can drink your bathwater" or "Hey Shorty, how old you is." is not something that grown men should say to anyone except a hoodrat who doesn't know any better.



Furthermore, a woman already has an idea of what category you're in when she first meets you, and not much you say is going to change that--Category 1: He's a loser, he'll get a fake (555-1212) number or the brush-off or no responses to his texts. Category 2: I'll give him my number and let him take me to dinner, but that's it. Category 3: I like this guy and he's datable, or at least I have no problem being seen in public with him. Category 4: This guy is "friend" material. I'll keep him around just in case, especially if he's smart, successful, well-connected, etc. Hey there could be more categories, but I'm just going by a guy's observations. A simple, "How are you? I'd like to get your number," or a simple understated compliment often works just fine.

Rule #2: On Communicating with Women/Online Dating: Meeting a woman for the first time and then Myspacing/Facebooking her and bombarding her with texts, calls, Myspace/Facebook comments, etc. without first asking her permission is not cool & she WILL talk about you to her girlfriends, which further alerts them that you're not cool either. So now you haven't just lost one desirable woman, you've lost a whole bunch of them in one shot. To you, it may be a cool way to get in touch & show her you're serious, but to her, it makes you look desperate. Instead, make a contact, and WAIT! I know it's hard, but WAIT. If she is interested, they will reply (this goes for guys & girls) but you're likely to get a "0" on your score card if you IM her every time she pops up active and online.

Rule #3: A smile is not necessarily a come-on, so get over yourself. Take it for what it is. If you want to approach then go ahead, but often a smile is just a friendly hello and is done as a polite greeting. It's like a drive by--it could happen to anyone.

Rule #4: Myspace & Facebook profile pictures may not be accurate representations of a person's physical appearance. Not everyone you meet online looks like Halle Berry (before OR after twins), or Idris Elba or Kobe (for you ladies) so don't try to make a hookup on the basis of online pictures alone. What you see is what the other person WANTS you to see.

Rule #5: Be wary of men or women who want to see what kind of phone you have or what kind of car you drive before showing their interest. Men and women who show a materialistic bent may well be gold-diggers, and when the next guy comes along with a bigger SUV or the next girl comes with nicer measurements, you'll be left holding the ice cream cone, and sometimes the bill.

Rule #6: Make sure before you ask anyone out, that both of you have something to bring to the relationship--whether a good job/career, ownership of real estate, education, or nice teeth, etc. An uneven relationship is one where one person, male or female is giving all the time and not getting anything of equal or greater value in return. That is not only robbery, it's abuse, and a smart person will call you out.

Rule #7: This is the rule that will save your life. Be yourself! People like originals. When I was on the dating scene I didn't need to drive a Benz, sport a BlackBerry, or try to speak with an exotic foreign accent even though I'm Haitian, or pretend like I was some big baller. Sometimes it's good to just be the real you. Don't expect meaningful relationships when you start off those relationships on exaggerations, distortions, or half-truths. It gets old after a while when a guy rolls up and to impress you starts talking loudly on the phone about how he was out with P. Diddy last week, just closed on his 5000 sq ft house, is going to that concert in VIP, bla bla bla.

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Cross-posted on Facebook on April 23, 1:08pm.

It's Not Big Government, Stupid!

Congress voted overwhelmingly to pass President Obama's first budget by a nearly partisan vote today. Even before the vote, GOP leadership was decrying the advent of big government under Obama and discussing how Obama would be mortgaging our children's futures with his big spending. Folks I have news for you, in case you were wondering, it's not big government that's such a danger--small government can be a danger too (See Haiti, Guatemala, etc)--it's incompetent and/or menacing government that's a danger. So what we should ask is not so much whether a few more dollars are being spent, but whether promises are being kept, results are being measured and reported truthfully, and administration of such budgets is efficient.

Bush made huge government a reality with far-reaching illegal wiretapping, over $10 billion per month war expenditures, no-bid government contracts for friends of Haliburton in war zones, etc. So let's not pretend like Obama invented big government because he didn't. After all, who do we turn to when we need more roads, free schooling for all, vaccinations, consumer protection, grants for non-profits, college scholarships, civil rights, equality in sports for our girls, etc.? The government, that's who. Smart voters will elect politicians whose interests are closely aligned with that of the electorate. These politicians who can best relate to the average voter are the ones who will make financial and governing decisions in our best interests.

An Adopted Son's Perspective

Today, Roland Martin, a regular political commentator and contributor to CNN, Tom Joyner Morning Show, and more. posed a simple question for his Facebook friends of whom I am one: "And did you see that Madonna was denied in her attempt to adopt another Malawi child? Was that decision good or bad?". Below I have excerpted my reply to him on this subject which is close to my heart.

I was adopted by an American missionary at age 9 who gave me a new lease on life, otherwise I wouldn't be here. There are some who might think that Madonna, Angelina, and others do foreign adoptions as great public relations moves. That may be true or not (only God knows our true intentions). All I know is that a child in need doesn't ask for an essay on why you're adopting them. They simply want to know if you will love them or not. When I was being adopted one of the questions the state of Arkansas asked my adoptive mother was whether she would have my best interests at heart. To me one of the demonstrations of true love is if a person has no obligation to love you, will they still show you the same love they would demonstrate to their biological children?