7 Tips to Winning the Man of Your Dreams OR How Not to Be THAT Woman Guys Talk About (Part 2)

Last week I wrote a post, "Dating Tips for Men OR How Not to Be a Playa & Make a Fool of Yourself" which explored the 7 most common mis-steps that men make every day on the dating scene. Following this, I wrote another post, "7 Tips to Winning the Man of Your Dreams OR How Not to Be THAT Woman Guys Talk About (Part 1)" which discussed preventable mistakes that women make in dating. We're now ready for the third post in this series, "7 Tips to Winning the Man of Your Dreams OR How Not to Be THAT Woman Guys Talk About (Part 2)". Again thanks to my wife, Shirre as well as other women friends who gave me feedback on my Facebook page.

Rule #1: If you want to know what a man is thinking and why he is doing something, ask him or another man whose advice you trust (your father, a brother, uncle, etc.). Don't ask your girlfriends or your Mother because they will generally give you bad advice based on failed relationships & misconceptions about how men really work, e.g., Vivica A. Fox in Three Can Play That Game (2007). Quite a bit of mis-communication goes on between men and women, and many promising relationships never blossom fully or are short-lived simply because men and women do not understand the difference in each other's communication styles.

Rule #2: Don't try to win every argument. Men and women argue differently. Generally women argue based on emotion and feeling. Generally men argue based on laying out a logical case and making points. Understand that this is neither good nor bad--it's just how it is. However, when you refuse to lose, it shows us that you are inflexible, selfish, self-centered, and think that only you can be right. I've seen plenty of cases where a man thinks he has "won" an argument only to realize that he has just been insulted in the worst way. Many times if you stop and think about why an argument started, you'll realize it was probably over something very minor and insignificant. Often arguments occur based on ignorance of Rule #1.

Rule #3: "The Chase" is good (back in the day it was called "Courting"), but above all be honest and open about your intentions and desires at the very beginning of the relationship or at some point during a date, and let us know where you want it to go. Trust me, we already have plans about where we want things to go, but we need to know what will work for you. Also, we should all be adults and if we are interested in you, we don't have time for mind-games, guilt tripping, and other child-like foolishness. If you don't care about the other person, don't waste his time just to get another free dinner or because he's going to introduce you to Cadillac Williams.

Rule #4: Your clothing and makeup are a reflection of you. Too much of a good thing can be overkill. At the same time, we would like to know that you care enough about your personal image that you took more than 5 minutes to plan your outfit and accessories. There is a good reason why women who wear lipstick tend to get better job offers than women who don't wear any makeup.

Rule #5: This is extremely important but a rule that is regularly ignored and violated among girlfriends and BFF's--Don't kiss and tell. Guys may have locker room talk, but because of the rich level of communication that women share, it's not a good idea to discuss all of your man's finer points. Again this is a family-friendly post, so read between the lines. If your man has it together, there's a possibility that some woman in your circle wants him too based on your descriptions of him, and yes, she will be thinking about that whenever she meets him--even at the family barbeque.

Rule #6: Another very important, but often ignored rule is Be approachable! Don't gain the reputation for being an ice queen. Every brother that walks up to you is not going to ask you out. If you're a fine woman, and have your stuff together, some guys will hesitate to approach you because we figure anyone that awesome MUST have a man somewhere! Remember we men appreciate a beautiful, put together woman; a simple "Thank you" when receiving a compliment is in line. Be willing to break the ice by casual conversation or a smile. Remember in the last post I explained that the pressure is on us men during dating (Rule #7). Unfortunately a lot of women forget how to make a first impression; many assume that if they don't know who a guy is or what he does or if he doesn't have a camera in his hand, it's okay to ignore him when he passes by. You may be staring down your future knight in shining armor.

As a real-life example, when I first met my wife Shirre, I noticed her incredible beauty, but I also noticed her carriage and presence. Whenever she walked into a room her aura announced itself, and people--men and women--would light up around her. I just knew that anyone that amazing just had to be attached. But I approached her (because I'm Kéto & I'm confident in what I bring to the table), and soon found out that she was single and approachable without coming off as a diva. She made our relationship possible because she didn't put up a public "wall" or have a "you're not good enough to talk to me attitude" unlike many other professional women I met, despite her past relationships. Neither of us had any idea in June 2007 that we would one day be married, but we both travelled with a "Welcome" sign, so it wasn't hard for someone to enter our lives.

Rule #7: Failure to be adventurous and adhere to this rule is the reason why many many wonderful women will never find a meaningful relationship: [Be willing to] date outside your circle! Again as I stated in the last post, your frustration in not being able to find an available AND desirable man is understandable (Rule #6). However, this is not just a Tampa Bay problem, it's a widespread women problem. For those of you in Tampa Bay, understand that there are over a million residents of Hillsborough County, and several million more throughout the entire Bay area. You have not met all the good men even if you think you have. You have just met all the good men in YOUR circle. Have an open mind and be willing to date outside your culture, race, religion, social circle, etc.. Again, each time you break the mold and step out of your comfort zone, there will be a particular set of challenges that you will face, but if you want a meaningful relationship and have not found it, trust me it's because you have looked in the same places that you've always looked, and what's the saying about insanity??

As an illustration of Rule #7 I'll use my personal life. As a Haitian, we are generally encouraged to marry within our culture, just as many foreign born young professionals. Because I was open-minded about the dating process and willing to meet whoever was meant for me regardless of race or culture, I didn't shackle myself with tradition and as a result married Shirre, a Black American female, my true love. Furthermore, I didn't expect to marry until 3-5 years later, and I didn't expect to marry a woman with children. But I understand that often the greatest thing that can happen to us will stare us right in the face, and if we aren't ready to move, we can lose out on The One that God has for us. I wasn't willing to make that sacrifice.

Rule #8: Because 7 Rules aren't enough, I give you 7+1: Men do not befriend women that we are not [at least a little bit] physically attracted to. Here's a bit of shocking news b/c I know you thought that our intentions were noble. Did you ever befriend a guy and then eventually some years later end up dating or marrying him? Or do you have a friend that this happened too? Of course you do. Well, it probably was not an accident. As I've said time and time again, we men are very simple creatures and we are predictable in knowing exactly what we want and setting things up so that we eventually get what we want. If you are a good looking female, and you have a lot of male friends, I've got news for you--this is not by accident. I assure you that I have never befriended a woman whom I didn't have some attraction to, even if I was not going to pursue her. This is called a "just-in-case" friendship.

You may think that the long calls, sharing secrets, friendly dinners, "business" lunches, free movie tickets, invitations to family events, etc. are because a guy just wants to be your "friend". Not so! We may not approach you directly in the beginning maybe b/c you're already in a relationship, or we just want admission into your circle without the pressure of asking you out until we're ready, or we're just shy and don't want to be rejected. But trust me, we know that some day, you will become comfortable with us, need a shoulder to cry on, or need a life-saving favor. At that moment, we will be there to swoop in like Superman, solve your problem, and become your hero. And then the romance begins!

This ends my third post on Dating and Relationships, and I hope it is an enjoyable and insightful read for all of you. Please do post your comments. Let me know about how Rules #1-7 have affected your love life, positively & negatively!

Addendum: Because I forgot to include this in the last post, "7 Tips to Winning the Man of Your Dreams OR How Not to Be THAT Woman Guys Talk About (Part 1)"I'm including an addition to Rule #7 Be on your best behavior on your first date. "There are acceptable and unacceptable topics for your first date. Do not discuss sex right away as that will focus your date's mind on only one thing for the rest of the evening. Also, do not discuss past romances or how many partners you've had even if you are asked. It's not relevant to your date and goes with Rule #1 (Leave past relationships in the past). When I started dating Shirre officially, I didn't care how many partners she had had or who her past loves were. They had nothing to do with me. They were in the past, and we were the present and future. Conversely topics that are cool are your family background, your culture if different from his, travels, education, professional goals, leisure topics, hobbies & interests, and various other 'light' topics, etc."

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Cross-posted on Facebook on May 3, 9:49pm.