Dating Tips for Men OR How Not to Be a Playa & Make a Fool of Yourself (Part 2)

In April I wrote a Facebook note focusing on the Rules of Engagement between Men & Women on the Dating Scene. I received so much positive feedback that I wrote several more pieces, and now present the fourth piece: "Dating Tips for Men OR How Not to Be a Playa & Make a Fool of Yourself (Part 2)". Previous notes are: "Dating Tips for Men OR How Not to Be a Playa & Make a Fool of Yourself" which explored the 7 most common mis-steps that men make every day on the dating scene; "7 Tips to Winning the Man of Your Dreams OR How Not to Be THAT Woman Guys Talk About (Part 1)" which discussed preventable mistakes that women make in dating & the third post in this series, "7 Tips to Winning the Man of Your Dreams OR How Not to Be THAT Woman Guys Talk About (Part 2)". Thanks so much to my wife, Shirre as well as other friends who gave me constructive feedback. Please enjoy and do feel free to comment! All I can promise you (both men and women) is that you thought you knew everything about men, but you will find out what you don't know by reading this post. Some of what you don't know will blow your mind when you realize how simple the rules are!

Rule #1: Make a mental or written list of the characteristics that a woman must possess in order for you to enter a relationship with her: college education, career, loves children, God-fearing & moral, good manager of finances, physical appearance, loyal/faithful, good cook, mental chemistry, etc. Just as I told the ladies, these characteristics are your standards. Before committing to a relationship you should find out if the woman possesses the most desirable of these characteristics, and whether she is willing to work on the other lower-priority characteristics. You really don't have to verbally ask a woman these questions. She will tell you by her actions, and hints will slip out in her conversation because women are very good at telling you all about themselves whether they know it or not.

Because I don't mind using myself as an example, I will talk about the characteristics that attracted me to my wife. When we met and started dating, I assumed it would be a short-term relationship as I was not accustomed to or interested in relationships that lasted more than a few months. I was a "convenience" or "serial dater". Eventually, after casually dating her for a few weeks, I began analyzing in my mind the kind of woman that Shirre was. Even though she was popular in our circle, and well-liked, I noticed that she didn't run after other men who were always complimenting her & offering her gifts in exchange for a relationship as did many of the women I knew. This showed me that Shirre had a level head and did not let her good looks or popularity go to her head. Furthermore, I met her children and found out by watching their behavior that she was indeed a good mother who loved her children. Her consciousness about spiritual topics informed me of her love for God, which was very important to me. I understood that Shirre was a professional, and that everything she had was a result of her going out for her self, taking matters into her own hands, carefully saving & managing her finances, and demonstrating her independence and hard work. She was open to having a man, but didn't need a man to make her who she already was. Also, we had such great mental chemistry that often we knew what the other was thinking or going to say or when something was wrong without even seeing the other person. It was as if we had known each other in a past life.

When I considered these and several other characteristics, I realized they all matched up with my standards for what a wife should be, and we discussed whether we were on the same page regarding our future. We were, and now we are married as a result. I wasn't looking for a wife at that time, and certainly I had met plenty of beautiful women in Tampa Bay, in my travels to 30 other states, and in my home country of Haiti , but I knew that here she was standing before me--the woman of my dreams & the woman I loved--and I would be crazy to let her go without at least expressing my feelings for her.

Rule #2: This is possibly the most important rule that you will ever encounter, and following it will save you a lot of heartache and prevent you from making bad decisions which we as men may regret for the rest of our lives: If a relationship is meant to be for the long-term, it will last; if it is only meant for the short-term, let her go! Thank God for the times that you had together and MOVE ON! In many cases, both the man and woman may start out on exactly the same level in the relationship. As time goes on, both may move in opposite directions or one will mature in the relationship and the other will not, thus dooming said relationship.

In my younger days, when I was falling in love just about every other day, I realized this fact, and understood that there was no point in continuously chasing someone who was not where I was in the relationship. Many people do this unfortunately to save face; just so they can say, "Yeah, I've got somebody," because everyone else around them has a special someone. But it's not worth it! Some people come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime! This saying is just as true regarding friendships and associations as it is about romances. Also, if you have to constantly text, call, email, IM, etc. the other person, then let's be real, they really aren't interested. Someone who is interested in starting or continuing a relationship will make their interest obvious by maintaining contact with you.

Rule #3: This rule is closely related to Rule #2: You cannot make someone love you who doesn't. You can buy a woman all the drinks, cars, clothing & expensive jewelry in the world. You can pay her rent, pay for her college, and do other things which show her that you love her and want to be with her. BUT if she doesn't feel the same way about you, you are just wasting your time and money and casting your pearls before swine. As soon as someone comes along who has more intelligence, better looks, or possesses something more than you, she will be gone. This is a "fair-weather girlfriend" sometimes referred to as a "gold-digger".

Rule #4: Female beauty and shapeliness will not last forever. If you want to know what a woman will look like 10 years or more from now, look at her mother, grandmother, and other older females in her family. Someday she will look like them. If they have aged gracefully, then likely she will age gracefully as well--if she takes care of herself. If many of them have put on quite a few pounds and look like they could stand a makeover, then it is possible that one day she will look like that too. At the same time, your relationship should be based on love because not every minute of your relationship is going to be spent "partaking of the cookie". That is a young man's unrealistic dream.

Rule #5: DO go on blind dates every now and then. Your friends and family know the kind of person you are, and will generally try to find someone that is going to make you happy. However, you should never go on a blind date arranged by your Mother. She has an interest in picking someone similar to her that SHE wants you to be with, and this is not be in your best interests as an independent man. Mom may be thinking "safe & homely" while you're thinking "wild & adventurous."

Rule #6: Get all the important things out of your way first, or at least have them in progress, and then pursue long-term relationships. Because of our environment during our formative years and other obstacles that we face throughout our lives, some of us may not have our "ducks in a row" at the same time as others. In my case, even though I was from a low-income, single-parent home, my Mom taught be to be the best in everything I was involved in & I was extremely competitive and driven to succeed. As a result, I made the decision very early that I would not parent children out of wedlock or get married until after I had become the first person in my family to graduate from college, earn a graduate degree, start my career & hopefully acquire some real estate. I understood how much time and devotion completing an academic course and starting a career would take up of my life, and I wanted to make sure I had the tools to provide for whoever I would become involved with. Thank God, due to family support & perseverance on my part, I was able to accomplish at least 3 of those goals prior to marriage, and I am now able to focus my time and efforts completely on my marriage and family. The point is that all of us males may not be all that we want to be right now, but we should certainly have made the effort to be on that path that leads us to our dreams. Our women and families look up to us and often will not become any more successful than we are.

Rule #7: Women have back-burner friends too! (Remember Rule #8 in my previous post in which I discussed "just in case" friendships?) The idea applies to women as well! There are women in your life who secretly have you pegged as a "back-burner friend". They may have several options among male friends that they have dated or would like to date if given the opportunity or if circumstances were different. There is always one man in the mix that is superior to the other guys because that man meets more of the standards of the woman in question. But here's how it plays out in the woman's head: back-burner friends may have some quality the woman doesn't like, but if the best option falls through, she could see herself settling for whoever is left (sort of a process of elimination, i.e., "I'd love to have the upwardly mobile Doctor friend, but if he's way to busy or unfaithful, I could settle for the DJ friend who always shows me a good time"). One of the options may be the woman's best male friend (very, very tricky territory), but either the man or woman may choose not to ruin the relationship so they remain friends. Some women will also date openly but hold out for the long term for a guy that they can never have. This may be an unattainable potential mate whom they may have met or an idealistic mental image of the man they could have if they put all the characteristics they desire to "create the perfect mate". The unattainable man could be married, recently divorced, etc., and the woman may have supported him by providing moral, social, or financial support or befriended him in the past.

Rule #7+1: Educated, progressive men--particularly those in the Black & Latino cultures--are a commodity! It is we who are highly desired and sought after not just by Black & Latino women, but by those of other cultures as well. With this in mind, we should take ourselves a little more seriously, and become involved with those who appreciate who we are instead of worrying about those women in our immediate circles who have ridiculously high, unattainable standards for us. Note, I'm not bashing high standards; I'm bashing ridiculous, unattainable standards. There are many women who claim that there are no good men. This is simply not true. What is meant is that there are not enough men who fit their standards of what a successful, desirable man ought to be. A brother who drives a Mercedes & makes six figures is no more valuable or important than a brother working at Office Depot who works hard to support his family.

Understanding this rule means that you may have to date outside your culture, race, religion or economic status to find that special someone that is meant just for you!! That is perfectly ok, regardless of whether you get stared down while out in public with your loved one! (Trust me, I've had this experience from people who didn't know me from Adam). People who don't accept the personal choices you make which make you happy are not really interested in your happiness anyway. This is the 2000's and you as a man must "do you" because we only have one life to live!

- -
Cross-posted on Facebook on May 13, 2:50am.