A Man's Insight on Teenage Boys

Tonight my wife and I had a come-to-Jesus meeting with our son, Reuben, a 13-year-old wonderboy who thinks he's amazingly hot stuff. Wow deja vu! All 13-yr-olds think they are smarter than their parents and are often surprised when they are caught and confronted for something they know they should not have done. Every now and then we have to remind Reuben that he can't pull a fast one on parents who have already seen and heard everything! Both of us were already doing what he is doing and much more at his age.

Shirre and I both had a long conversation with Reuben about something that we had both told him numerous times at length not to do. He had been previously warned that if he did such and such, he would get such and such a privilege taken away. When I found out while he was at school that he had gone ahead and done xyz for the umpteenth time despite the nice talkings to and warnings and lied about it, we decided the corrective action would be to take away something that he holds very dear until he decides to correct that particular behavior. He just turned 13, so he is going to try some things until he gets caught, just because he thinks he can, and also because as any other 13-yr-old he can't see the big picture yet.

A while back my wife was wondering why Reuben acts a certain way at times. I had to explain to her in detail that there are certain things that all 12-yr-old and teen boys do. I may not yet be an expert on marriage or parenting, but I am an expert on boys and men. There are some things that a man knows about boys that a mother does not. No matter how well a Mom thinks she knows her son--even if they are very close--a man knows how a boy acts and thinks and why. Teens are a time when boys are trying to find themselves mentally and socially. They're getting into adolescence, voice getting lower, discovering girls who they talk to all the time, and at the same time trying to find their meaning and significance while being caught between the man and boy stages.

There are so many things going on in his mind that a teen male will often act like he has no sense whatsoever. It's not that he can't think. This is simply the result of trying to sort out conflicting information and juggle trivial data in order to make decisions. Things in his head all the time are: girls, Playstation codes, food, girls, chores, girls, food, sports, clothes, girls, "my parents make me sick", food, girls, etc. (see pictures above). I remember when I was 12 and 13, we had a 2-story apartment and my Mom would send me downstairs to get something. By the time I got to the bottom step I'd already forgotten what it was. I felt like a dummy because I knew that I was supposed to get something from the kitchen, but danged if I could remember what it was no matter how hard I tried. Forgetfulness is something a teen boy deals with on an hourly basis and is unrelated to intelligence or alzheimers. It just happens, so when someone calls home, for example I have Reuben to write the messages or my instructions on a note pad to help his memory.

THE BOTTOM LINE:

All teen boys will at some point test their boundaries! Especially if they have not had a man in the home, they are accustomed to being the man, and have an adjustment period when they may want to cooperate but have a hard time taking instruction and advice from a new man. In Reuben's case, I am the first man that has been a real head of the house. He's 6' 2", fast, strong, and accustomed to being the man and protecting his Mom and sisters. The drive to watch over and protect is something that God instills in all men. When a new man arrives on the scene, a boy will try him until he is confronted. It's what boys do. If the new father/step-father does not confront his new son and establish his role very early as the new man of the house and the authority along with his Mother, a teen boy will run all over him. It's simply a battle of pride and egos, and there can only be one dominant male in a house at a time.

A real man recognizes what's going on, and instead of acting foolishly and shaming the boy publicly or in front of other family members will pull him aside and confront him either with words and advice (first option) or physically if necessary (last option). Once a teen boy understands that his Mother backs up her husband, then he becomes more understanding of what his role in the family now is.

None of this is to say that my step-son is a bad apple. He's a good son that I'm proud of. He makes good grades, is usually polite and respectful, plays music, does chores when asked, babysits when necessary, has a good reputation in school... I take him everywhere with me and treat him with respect and love because I never had a father in my home, and I know how difficult the absence of a father can be for a boy in his formative years. Fortunately, I had father figures and positive role models in church and in the community who I looked up to as examples of how to be a man. I teach Reuben: it is respect and responsibility that make a man. These qualities affect decision making and determine whether a boy will become a real man or remain a "Baby Boy". If I can raise a boy into a man before I die then I will have done my job.