Does Whoopin' Really Change Things?

Last year, on June 19, 2007, I had an online discussion with my friend LIFE on spanking or physical corporal punishment of children. Life doesn't believe in spanking his children because he believes that it teaches children violence against others as a means of disagreement. At the time, I agreed with him 100%, and wrote a comment on his Myspace blog supporting his view.

Now that I am a new parent for the first time, having married a beautiful woman with 3 wonderful but completely normal children, I have changed my mind somewhat. My wife and I are two people with totally opposite temperaments. She is a highly intelligent and more dramatic type of person who frankly says what is on her mind, and is visibly passionate about anything of interest to her. On the other hand, I am somewhat averse to confrontation, prefer not to talk any louder than necessary, and am a fairly easy-going, laid back person. Not too much upsets me. So you can believe that before we were married, we had to sit down and discuss exactly HOW we would raise, nurture, and discipline our children. I still believe that spanking should only be used as a last resort, and that it is by no means the ONLY avenue for addressing, correcting, and improving a child's behavior. So in our family life, my wife and I first try to find out WHY a child did something they were not supposed to do before rushing into full Jackie Chan mode. This may then lead us to TEACH that child HOW we expect something to be done. As an example, each child in the house is assigned at least one chore on Monday through-Saturday. One chore is to clean their bathroom which is on their side of the house a couple times weekly. (You can imagine that with 3 children bathing daily, etc. you've got to be vigilant about keeping a clean and orderly house). In order to not leave any room for misunderstanding or confusion about what my wife and I mean when we said, "Clean the bathroom," I demonstrated for them, and had them watch me while I cleaned their porcelain and chrome fixtures, swept, mopped the floor & cleaned the mirrors. Because we mostly teach and demonstrate the right things to do, doing chores, studying homework, etc. the children usually respond positively. However, I have learned that as a parent sometimes just talking isn't always enough to convince a child that you mean business. Now if we deduce that a child has acted improperly out of defiance for the rules or disrespect then we certainly address that with a correction that fits the action. We have already drawn up boundaries for the family, so the children know that every action carries a consequence, whether positive or negative. If you do this, your reward is everyone getting to go to Busch Gardens for a day of fun. Conversely, if you don't do what is expected, no Playstation tonight. Most children will at some point learn that it is in their best interest to be obedient by looking at the consequences logically.

Again, I can't speak for anyone else's children. Nor do I position myself as the 2008 Dr. Spock of child raising. You have to do what works in your household. I'm simply stating in this writing what works in MY household. My children are certainly not what I would refer to as "bad" or problem children. Truth be told, I don't tend to worry too much about their behavior because they generally behave very well and are polite and respectful (for the most part). Of course ALL children misbehave and at times act in disobedience to family rules. In a future blog I may give more specific examples which will illustrate why I have changed my mind and now believe that spanking is a necessary part of parenting one's children. But for now, please read my comment below. How a year changes things!

Well, Life, I just read this blog today, and am suprised I hadn't seen it before. But I must respond considering my first-hand knowledge of the subject (I mean first hands, son). I do agree with your points that whippin' children does teach them that violence is acceptable. It continually reinforces to them that if they disagree with someone or if that person violates a rule, especially a person that they have control over (and control is key), that they can alter that behavior by an outward physical confrontation. In fact I believe this STILL does not address the inward reason why a person did something. If you really want to re-direct a person's behavior, it would seem the best course of action is to change, modify, or at the very least understand why they think as they do so you can deal with them at their level (whether professionally, socially, or family-wise as with children).

As a tutor of children since age 14, and a Sunday School teacher for children ages 3 years-High School for 6 years, I can say that I never once put a hand on any children who were misbehaving in my classroom in which I was the sole authority figure. Being physically stronger and bigger the majority of "my" children, it would have seemed easy to address any public behavior issues by striking or using abusive language, but I realized that every child is different in the way they think and act (their character). These elements make each person unique and are impacted by their environment at home, school & socialization patterns as well as biological make-up (nature vs nurture). I can remember that as a child, it was not the ever-present threat of whippings that made me change my "bad" behavior. As most children of reasonable intelligence I simply altered my behavior to avoid whippings as I grew older. Of course, as I matured, I understood that many of the things I did as a child were indeed foolish, but again that realization came from gaining maturity & experience, and learning from a parent who taught me critical family, spiritual, educational & social values. Now that I'm an adult, I understand fully that I represent myself and my family, so I don't do the things that would shame my family.

People who practice whipping as a form of "discipline" often quote 2 references--the Bible in Proverbs 29:15 (the author in particular was a grown man who also whipped adults as a form of public punishment/coercion--look it up I Kings 12:10). Also they quote the supposed historical assertion that it was BECAUSE children were whipped more in the past (up until the 60's/70's) that the American family and the African American family in particular had fewer behavioral problems with their children and lower incidence of juvenile delinquency, incarceration, disrespect for authority, etc. To those folks, I would say that the primary reason why juvenile behavior problems are more prevalent now is b/c family life has been devalued by society & the media. I believe that up until the 60's/70's youth seemed to be more respectful of authority NOT b/c their parents whipped them frequently (although God knows they did), but rather b/c the entire family provided their youth with a sense of belonging and place in the family, and taught them respect first for themselves, God & their family, which then translated to respect outside the home for the community, authority figures & fellow man.

To conclude my essay (lol) I must ask us to consider this question, "Should we carry out an act just because we can, i.e. b/c we have the physical capacity take a particular action?"