To Marry or Not to Marry, That Is THE Question

One of my good friends, the founder of a local networking website for young professionals, wrote an advice column this week and posed several questions to her readers regarding marriage and soliciting advice on whether she should take the plunge or not. In response I replied back to her on some life lessons which I have learned just in this 4 months of marriage. They may seem to be common sense, but apparently not considering the high rate of divorce in our modern society.

a) You can never really realize your ultimate purpose in life until you have the responsibility of taking care of someone else--and I'm not talking about a little sister or a sick parent--and marriage provides that sense of ultimate responsibility. Now you are no longer out just for yourself, but you represent your mate and family and vice versa.

b) Further more, marriage establishes [lifelong] commitment. "I'm in this for the long haul, I'm a real grownup now, I'm not going to take the easy way out (live-in and leave) just b/c every day is not peaches & cream." Don't expect marriage to be all jokes and romance ALL THE TIME b/c that is not reality, that's Hollywood/fantasyland. However, a marriage SHOULD be happy--I mean you could be miserable all by yourself right?

c) Finally, you never really "know" someone until you live with them 24 hrs/day (besides work & church of course). That's why people say, "Now that I'm married everything's changed." No nothing actually changed, both of you are the same persons (character doesn't change) as when you were dating, you both just moved from the dating stage to marriage stage, and reality has set in. Just remember though that opposites attract, and that is where friction is introduced into a relationship. If you both thought alike and acted alike in every way, then marriages would all be perfect and stable & no one would ever argue or disagree or certainly even divorce. Part of being a grown up though is assessing your relationship--if you both love each other, and want a relationship to work then you both will do the things that ensure it works. And oh yeah, forget about all that "molding" crap. Women love to think that they can change their man AFTER the fact, once they are married. He is who he is due to a variety of factors including social environment, family upbringing & any traumatic experiences that he may have survived. All these things mold a man's character long before you meet him, and he will NOT change to whatever it is you think he should be unless HE sees the need & WANTS to do so.

The bottom line is that if you find someone that you care strongly about, and you have the confidence that they hold you in the same regard with love, respect, honesty (and you've prayed and KNOW that God sent you to each other) then by all means marriage should definitely be a consideration. I did, and my life is richer for it b/c I found someone I wanted to share my hopes, my dreams & my life with for the long run. When Shirre & I met, I just wanted to date her, and that was all. I wasn't thinking about the future or anything. But as we began to go out and spend more time, I just realized that we were so perfect for each other, and we get each other so much that it's like we've known each other for years instead of just since June 2007. Then I realized that I didn't really want anyone else but her. Once we figured out what we both wanted which only took a few weeks, then we decided to try this thing and see if it worked, and it has. No drama, no BS, just grown-ups being real with each other. Which is a quality so lacking these days as guys and ladies get caught up in being playas and playing "the game" and don't know how to move on to the next level of a relationship.

Remember there are no perfect people, (that's what alot of folks lose sight of). However, if God sent you two to each other then you are perfect for each other. There was once an anecdote that I heard about a tennis coach who had a prized pupil who he thought could be a champion. The athlete however, had some weaknesses which could end up costing him matches. The coach made this fellow successful by focusing not on his weaknesses, but by emphasizing his strengths to the point that they far outweighed any weaknesses. The moral is...Focus less on the imperfections and focus more on yours and his strengths; take care on doing the things that please each other, and you too can live happily [ever after].